JOKE of the DAY
- Onderwerp starter micdee
- Startdatum
Jeroen
Stamgast
- 16 mei 2011
- 1.995
- 3
- 38
There are two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, and they
inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in
financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch,
they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that
they canbreed their own stock. They only have $600 left. Upon leaving,
the brunette tells her sister, ?When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull,
I?ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.?
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and
decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599,
no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office,
and says, ?I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I?ve
bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup
truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.?
The telegraph operator explains that he?ll be glad to help her, then adds,
?It?s just 99 cents a word.? Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette
only has $1 left. She realizes that she?ll only be able to send her sister
one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, ?I want you to
send her the word ?comfortable?.? The operator shakes his head. ?How
is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your
pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if
you send her just the word, ?comfortable???
The brunette explains, ?My sister?s blonde. The word?s big. She?ll
read it very slowly ? com-for-da-bul.?
inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in
financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch,
they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that
they canbreed their own stock. They only have $600 left. Upon leaving,
the brunette tells her sister, ?When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull,
I?ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.?
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and
decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599,
no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office,
and says, ?I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I?ve
bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup
truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.?
The telegraph operator explains that he?ll be glad to help her, then adds,
?It?s just 99 cents a word.? Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette
only has $1 left. She realizes that she?ll only be able to send her sister
one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, ?I want you to
send her the word ?comfortable?.? The operator shakes his head. ?How
is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your
pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if
you send her just the word, ?comfortable???
The brunette explains, ?My sister?s blonde. The word?s big. She?ll
read it very slowly ? com-for-da-bul.?
Jeroen
Stamgast
- 16 mei 2011
- 1.995
- 3
- 38
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."
- 16 jul 2011
- 694
- 2
- 0
A Blond Home Depot Story !
Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.
He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.
Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish
serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.
When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"
The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.
Mary exclaimed, "Goodness, that's expensive. It's out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie sent her to buy..
The manager said he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!
Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.
He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.
Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish
serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.
When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"
The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.
Mary exclaimed, "Goodness, that's expensive. It's out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie sent her to buy..
The manager said he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!
Jeroen
Stamgast
- 16 mei 2011
- 1.995
- 3
- 38
Een Belg zwerft al 3 dagen in de woestijn helemaal alleen met z?n kameel. Al gauw denkt de Belg: ?Ik moet wippen, ik moet wippen.? Dan ziet hij z?n kameel en denkt: ?Die ga ik eens lekker wippen.? Maar telkens als hij achterop het dier wil springen doet het beest drie stappen naar voren. Na 20 pogingen geeft de Belg het op. Plotseling staat er een gigantisch mooie jonge vrouw zonder kleren aan voor de Belg en roept: ?Je mag me alles vragen!!? Zegt de Belg: ?Echt waar, alles??? ?Ja?, zegt het mokkel. Zegt de Belg: ?Kun je dan even m?n kameel vasthouden !
Jeroen
Stamgast
- 16 mei 2011
- 1.995
- 3
- 38
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
Jeroen
Stamgast
- 16 mei 2011
- 1.995
- 3
- 38
Een vrouw van 50 is net getrouwd met haar vierde man en samen liggen ze op het huwelijksbed. ?Zul je voorzichtig met me zijn?,zegt ze:?ik ben nog maagd.? ?Hoe kan dat nu??, vraagt haar man:?al 3 keer eerder getrouwd en nog maagd.? ?Dat zit zo?,zegt die vrouw weer:?Mijn eerste man was psychiater en alles wat hij wilde was praten over s*x. Mijn tweede man was gynaecoloog en hij wilde er alleen maar naar kijken.
En mijn derde man, die was postzegelverzamelaar en alles wat hij wilde was?.GOD wat mis ik die man??
En mijn derde man, die was postzegelverzamelaar en alles wat hij wilde was?.GOD wat mis ik die man??
- 16 jul 2011
- 694
- 2
- 0
Een voor een goed begin van het weekend:
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted:
"IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.
:angel:
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted:
"IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.
:angel:
Jeroen
Stamgast
- 16 mei 2011
- 1.995
- 3
- 38
Het kleine buurtwinkeltje stond propvol met klanten. Plotseling komt de kleine Marianne binnengestormd. "Mag ik alstublieft even voor?" roept ze hijgend. "Mijn vader stuurde me. het is nogal dringend." "Oh ja?" vraagt een oudere dame. "Ja, mevrouw, hij wacht op mij." "Nou, meisje," zegt de winkelier, "wat heb je dan nodig?" "Een rol toiletpapier, meneer!"
Jeroen
Stamgast
- 16 mei 2011
- 1.995
- 3
- 38
Een vrouw was voor het ontbijt zacht gekookte eitjes aan het koken. Haar vent komt binnen, en zegt goede morgen schatje! Zij draait zich om en zegt, je moet onmiddelijk s*x met mij hebben. Die vent denkt, dat is mijn geluksdag vandaag, draait haar om over de keukentafel en neemt ze langs achter voor een beetje zondagmorgen s*x. Achteraf vraagt hij waaraan heb ik dat allemaal te danken? De vrouw zegt met een grijnslachje, de zandloper is kapot.
Jeroen
Stamgast
- 16 mei 2011
- 1.995
- 3
- 38
ik zal het wat meer bescheiden houden huib 
Een vliegtuig stort neer in de jungle. De enige overlevende is John Woodhouse. Samen met zijn accordeon begeeft hij zich op weg naar de bewoonde wereld. Plots komt er een leeuw aanstormen. John Woodhouse begint op zijn accordeon te spelen, en de leeuw doet hem niks. Even later komt een tweede leeuw aanstormen. John Woodhouse begint nog wat harder te spelen, en ook deze leeuw doet hem niks. Dan komt er een derde leeuw aanstormen. John Woodhouse gaat nog harder spele n, maar de leeuw blijft doorlopen en vreet hem helemaal op. Zitten er twee apen in de boom. Zegt de ene tegen die andere: 'Ik heb het je toch gezegd. Als die dove straks komt: die heeft hem!'
Een vliegtuig stort neer in de jungle. De enige overlevende is John Woodhouse. Samen met zijn accordeon begeeft hij zich op weg naar de bewoonde wereld. Plots komt er een leeuw aanstormen. John Woodhouse begint op zijn accordeon te spelen, en de leeuw doet hem niks. Even later komt een tweede leeuw aanstormen. John Woodhouse begint nog wat harder te spelen, en ook deze leeuw doet hem niks. Dan komt er een derde leeuw aanstormen. John Woodhouse gaat nog harder spele n, maar de leeuw blijft doorlopen en vreet hem helemaal op. Zitten er twee apen in de boom. Zegt de ene tegen die andere: 'Ik heb het je toch gezegd. Als die dove straks komt: die heeft hem!'