JOKE of the DAY

een golden oldie:

To My Darling Husband
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not to bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Asda, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry but I know with your kind hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweet heart. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.

Tracey

XXX
 
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
 
tsja... marine he :P rustig aan als je thuis ben maar als je gaat varen is het feest
 
An American, a German and a Japanese crash their plane on a deserted island in the Pacific. They all survive, get out of the wreck and sit down. The Yank starts talking and says: I am American, we have the greatest nation on the planet so i am in charge of this. I am in command. He continues by telling the German: you will build the camp because you guys did a great job during the war. Then he turns to Yamamoto and tells him to take care of the supplies. So Yankeeboy sits on the beach and supervises all, the German builds up the camp and the Japanese walks of in the bush. After 4 days on the beach and in the camp the Japanese is still gone. The Yank and the German make a plan to start a search to find him. So they walk of in the bush too walking around to look for Yamamoto. 2 days later they walk into a valley, all quiet but no Japanese. As they walk on suddenly the Japanese jumps out of a tree on top of both shouting: supplies!!!! :D
 
:D
Ahhhhh so they wanted to call the brand RRRrrrrrexus but all they could say was Lexus ...
;)
 
The local council could not afford a speed camera, so they put up a sign saying:
Slow down Old People's Home. - It had no effect.

At the next meeting the decided to play on the paternal instincts and put up a sign:
Danger - Children at Play. The result was no discernable reduction in traffic speed.

Then the chairman had a brain-wave and suggested they try a sign with:
Nudist Colony. - As a result of the Nudist Colony notice, white vans and lorries crawl thought the village.
 
Komt een mevrouw bij de dokter en zegt dokter mijn doos heeft een hele rare geur. Nou dat is niet best zegt dokter Bernard. Neem maar even plaats in de stoel met de beugels en dan zal ik even kijken. Affijn ze ligt in de stoel, dokter komt met een lamp en kijkt. Dan loopt hij zwijgend weg en komt met een hele grote stok met haak terug. De dame in kwestie schrikt, gaat rechtop zitten en schreeuwt: dokter wat gaat u nou doen? Effe de ramen open zetten mevrouw. :D
 
Maar die zijn er nog steeds. Ik zal mijn zoon van 17 maar niet vragen want dan wordt alles verwijdert. Wat die heren elkaar als mop vertellen daar slik ik af en toe nog van. :D
 
Nou deze is niet zo pittig, maar wel leuk voor op de vrijdag:

"
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment..
For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,? he said and he left.
 
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